Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It was confusing and full of hummus
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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