Where is the hickey?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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