I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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