Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
