This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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