I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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