its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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