Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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