At least make sure they are 18
Why
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
