The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
