My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize