I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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