Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
