and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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