its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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