I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
