its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
