ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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