oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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