Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
