Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
