I'm gonna have a badass scar
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
