your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
