He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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