In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
