I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
