It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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