Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
