Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
