Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
