made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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