So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
