my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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