there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
