I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
