I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We are two peas in an std pod
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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