I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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