WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
