so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
