im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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