he wants to bone in the snuggie
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize