I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
