A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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