I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
