The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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