he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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