Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
