if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
