Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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