At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
