Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
