he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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