Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
