yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
