If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just forgot I was standing up.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
