What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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