I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize