i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
