I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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