Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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